just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
