I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
