Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
