Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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