So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
