so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm like, not good at living.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
