Can i not drive my cunt home
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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