I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
