Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I touched a dick in church today
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
