I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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