Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
