I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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