How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
