I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
