I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
