I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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