I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
