Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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