Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You ruined the universe
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
