My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
