this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
God, I missed his penis.
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