Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
