I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
