I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
