I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
