I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
