I wish my penis had an off switch
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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