I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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