Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
