bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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