I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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