Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
