My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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