I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
