I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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