If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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