Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
