just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i think im in europe. pls send help
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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