Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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