Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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