how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
