My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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