do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
