Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
