Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
