he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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