so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
