watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I need moral support for this bender
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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