she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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