u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
