this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
